Hi! I'm Cadence

I was diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia on February 12, 2018. This is my story.

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Day -18 + Day -17

Bill woke up on Saturday still sick, and seemed to be getting worse. I have a compromised immune system so I made him go to urgent care so he could get some antibiotics and get it dealt with. I’ve been sleeping on the couch since I came home because I can’t afford to get sick before the transplant, but I’m definitely missing his cuddles! Hopefully the antibiotics help soon.

My mouth has still been bugging me a ton since I came home, so I’ve mostly been resting on the couch this weekend, while Bill sleeps in the other room trying to get better for the last few days. My mom and sisters are also sick so I’m just avoiding everyone haha. It’s been needed but definitely boring. Bill has been complaining about how bored he is and I keep trying to make him understand that I’m going to be this bored for months. ?

Tomorrow we are heading to visit a special therapist that is going to help us have meaningful conversations about the challenges ahead and reconnect before this huge, life-changing experience. I’m hoping it really brings us closer together and prepares us for the bumpy road ahead. Luckily for me, Bill is always game to try anything that I think will help us be happier and healthier together. We saw this woman once before we got married for a weekend session with several other couples and found that it completely shifted the landscape of our relationship for the better. We left feeling a deep connection that we are now looking to find again.

I never have trouble remembering why I love Bill so much. He is my best friend. He truly loves and respects who I am. Just like any other relationship however, we have had our ups and downs that certainly pushed the edges of our comfort zone. We had to realized that marriage involves a lot more compromise on both sides than you ever prepare for. The purchase of our house and it’s mass renovations pushed us apart in the months before my diagnosis, and the baggage, fear and emotions of a cancer diagnosis made things even more strained. It’s been a really rough year. 

We never lost sight of our love for each other, but we definitely switched into ‘auto-pilot’, which is sometimes a dangerous place to stay long-term. That’s where love falls apart. Sometimes we need it, just to survive the hard path we’re on, but if we don’t keep a careful eye on just how much distance is creeping in between us, it can take a lot of time and effort to bridge that gap. Sometimes we can find it has fallen completely out of reach.

I personally believe it’s never a bad thing to take time to re-commit to the partnership of support and love that you came together to create. To analyze where it stands in a safe space, address areas for growth and improvement, and share vulnerabilities that will increase your connectedness. No person or relationship is perfect. If we embrace this fact, and instead direct our focus on growth and improvement, then we improve. I believe we should try to own, call out, and cut out our shit, and try to find more effective ways to connect, to feel. No matter how hard it is. No matter how many times we fail, feel shame, or repeat the same mistakes. If we don’t keep trying to change, improve, or evolve from it, then why bother to experience it at all? I think sharing intentional feelings of love and encouragement renews the strength of your bond. Even if I’m wrong, how can it be bad?

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